TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Hikari Campbell

I’m struggling to see your point. And this is the problem. The way Hikari talks, the way he acts and reacts is the full problem. How did they get there? How did he think he was entitled to treat him this way? To act as if he was just a random person he was seeing from time to time? Never would have Minjun done that to him. For there is a certainty, that his mother dug up, that this is important. That was they have is precious to him. And he knows, or knew that it was also the case for the other man. Now… I never said I was cancelling on you to… shag someone. I said I was going on a date. On that part, they are different, it has always been the case. The younger one doesn’t bother with shared meals or discussions, going straight to the point. I’m struggling to see your point, is repeated, in this passive-aggressive dance he masters. The teeth are clenched. This is going south so quickly that he doesn’t know how they got here. It doesn’t matter. Here they are. You’re getting upset over nothing. I like this girl, and I want to spend time with her, and the only way to do it is to cancel on you once. There is the taste of blood, in his mouth, as teeth ripped, as they got the cheek. It is probably not the part of Minjun that hurts the most in the moment. No pause is taken to analyse. That ship has sailed. Can you stop being so self-centered? We’re supposed to be friends. Friends. The word is held. This is what they are. Truly. And do you fuck all yours friends the way you do me? The metallic aroma is everywhere, as the eyes flash with anger. There is so much effort put in not moving that his muscles start protesting. What do you think we’re doing here, exactly? Perhaps it is time they actually talk about it. It is probably not the right moment, but this seems unavoidable. What’s the project, tell me? You cancel our Friday date to go on another one because you like this girl. And then what? Monday’s too? He can’t. He bolts up, to pick up his boxers on the floor and put them back on. The inhale he takes makes his shoulders tremble but his mouth doesn’t when he turns back to him, looking at its stupidly gorgeous face that he hates, in that moment: You’re the self-centered bastard here.

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Jeon Minjun

Friends. Quoi ? S’apprête-t-il à nier cela également, comme si toutes ces années ne valaient rien ? And do you fuck all yours friends the way you do me? Hikari pince les lèvres, et ne lui offre même pas de réponse. Minjun sait très bien la vérité, et il sait aussi très bien à quel point cette question n’a pas lieu d’être. Il n’est pas moins son ami à cause de la passion qui les prend. Il ne l’est pas plus non plus. Ils étaient. Ils existaient. Leur lien n’avait rien à voir avec quelque chose d’aussi trivial. What do you think we’re doing here, exactly? A part passer le temps, profiter d’une distraction, de la présence de l’autre ? Tout ce qu’Hikari sait, c’est qu’il les aime ces moments, même s’il n’en parle à personne. Il sait aussi qu’ils auront une fin, un jour. Il ne sait pas quand, mais cela finira par arriver. Hikari veut tomber amoureux un jour. Et ça ne sera pas de Minjun. Ça ne peut pas l’être. What’s the project, tell me? You cancel our Friday date to go on another one because you like this girl. And then what? Monday’s too? Mais pourquoi, pourquoi est-ce un problème ? N’a-t-il donc pas compris que tout cela n’est que temporaire ? Cela finira bien par arriver. You’re the self-centered bastard here. Hikari sent la colère monter en lui, l’agacement se transformer en quelque chose de plus fort. Car tout cela est injuste, profondément. Tout cela ne devrait même pas être en train d’arriver si son ami savait être raisonnable. Il se force à garder le silence, se relevant pour se rhabiller également. Mais finalement, alors qu’il termine d’enfiler son pantalon, il craque. Maybe I will cancel Monday. Il le regarde de nouveau, la mâchoire serrée. And Wednesday and Friday again, who knows. Maybe we’ll like each other enough to want to date, and then I can’t keep coming here to fuck you whenever you like, can I? Sérieusement, c’était n’importe quoi. Absolument n’importe quoi. You know this is bound to happen, Minjun. If it’s not her it’s going to be someone else. Un soupir frustré lui échappe, alors qu’il part à la recherche du haut de son uniforme. Le pauvre bout de tissu prend une partie de sa colère. You’re my friend. You’re supposed to be happy that I might find someone to spend my life with. Why can’t you just do that?

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Hikari Campbell

Hikari gets up to, the clothes get back on him. Minjun does not move. There he stands, in his underwear, looking at him. There is no knowledge of what to expect. There is only his old friend, anger, coursing through his veins. Ready to be unleashed. Begging for it. Because getting mad is easier than analysing whatever it is that is going on. Maybe I will cancel Monday. The eyes meet. The fists are balls of fury. And Wednesday and Friday again, who knows. Maybe we’ll like each other enough to want to date, and then I can’t keep coming here to fuck you whenever you like, can I? Whenever I like? The mutters turn to something else, something more of a growl. The worst part of this is that the other man is dead serious, when saying the craziest nonsense he has ever heard. Did he know why he never wanted to talk about them? Yes. Did he think that it was actually pure denial? No. You know this is bound to happen, Minjun. If it’s not her it’s going to be someone else. Each blow stabs him deeper. Each word only pours gasoline on the pyre. You’re my friend. You’re supposed to be happy that I might find someone to spend my life with. Why can’t you just do that? Why do you make it sound like I am the only one wanting this? This. Them, here, between those half-collapsed walls. In one of the only places in the world Minjun ever felt completely safe. The motion is slow, at first, as one step is taken. The second comes a bit shaky. You asked for me as much as I asked for you. The last occurrence being still very fresh, leading to a very unpleasant discussion. And it gets faster. The last propel the boy into the other, into the nearest wall. Lack of clothes doesn’t bother him. There is not even a thought for that. His neck bends a little, for he is taller. And even though leaner, he knows how he looks like when he is angry. His bent arm presses on the throat, not enough to silence him, just to make sure he cannot escape his grip. Why are you acting like an asshole about it? His tongue licks his own lips, in a pissed-off reflex. If you wanted this to be over, you would have told me long ago. What’s all this bullshit, this nonsense? Where is it all coming from? Especially now that everything is so unsafe, so uncertain. You need this. You need us. As much as he does.

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Jeon Minjun

Quelques minutes plus tôt, il s’abreuvait des gémissements à ses oreilles, de ses mains sur sa peau, du plaisir de son corps ondulant contre le sien. Quelques minutes plus tôt, tout était calme, le moment doux et l’étreinte rassurante, le laissant lui raconter ce qui ombrageait son coeur. Pourtant, tout semble s’être déroulé dans une autre vie, ou dans un rêve peut-être. Il n’y a plus de douceur, plus de chaleur. Il n’y a plus que de la colère et un froid ne provenant pas que de la paroi effondrée. Why do you make it sound like I am the only one wanting this? Sa bouche se tord dans une grimace mécontente. I’m not, rétorque-t-il, sentant presque un certain désespoir s’emparer de lui alors que la situation semble ne faire qu’empirer. Minjun avait-il donc décidé de tout prendre de travers, aujourd’hui ? You asked for me as much as I asked for you. Il rougit, évidemment, et ne peut pas le nier non plus. Il n’en a pas spécialement envie, de toute manière. Bien entendu qu’il attendait ces moments avec autant d’impatience, bien entendu qu’il les demandait lui aussi, bien entendu qu’il ressentait de la déception quand il était l’heure de se séparer. Mais en cet instant, il n’était pas celui s’y attachant désespérément comme si toute leur amitié ne tenait qu’à cela.

Il le voit arriver et le laisse venir, peu désireux de se battre avec lui et terriblement conscient des travers de son ami. Il ne le lâche pas du regard alors que son dos heurte le mur, que son bras s’appuie contre lui. Si le corps d’Hikari se tend, il ne bouge pas. Il n’a pas peur de lui, et il y a une ombre de défi dans ses yeux, celui qu’on a forgé pour être un combattant et qui en a été un depuis plus longtemps que Minjun. Why are you acting like an asshole about it? If you wanted this to be over, you would have told me long ago. Comment, mais comment en étaient-ils arrivés à un stade où leur communication était si mauvaise ? Ou n'avaient-ils jamais été capables de communiquer correctement, en réalité ? Car chacun semblait supposer des choses sur leur situation, sur leur amitié, sur l’autre, sans jamais demander de confirmation. You need this. You need us. Dans sa poitrine, son coeur a retrouvé un rythme cardiaque plus élevé. Of course I want this, you idiot. I never said otherwise. Ce n’était pas sa faute si Minjun se faisait des films dans sa tête. But I still know it can’t last. This is fun, but it’s temporary. At some point we will have to go back to how we were before the sex. C’était évident. Obligatoire. Un avenir différent n’existait pas. Can you please be reasonable about this? Il y a une certaine exaspération dans son regard. I’m your friend, not your enemy.

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Hikari Campbell

I’m not. Yet he is. Hikari is dismissing what they have, what they are. He is stepping on years of their bond growing, changing, evolving into something they never qualified. There never seemed to be a need to do it. Perhaps it has been a mistake, leading them to that moment. To the forgetfulness of one, to the betrayal in the heart of the other. His whole body is tensed, his insides are on fire and Minjun is about to lose it for good. For nothing his friend says feels right, for nothing that is shared feels okay. His arm pushes a bit more on the collarbone, as to imprint his words in him. Of course I want this, you idiot. I never said otherwise. The stillness is never a good sign. Neither is the dumbfounded smile appearing on the soldier’s lips, about to pour his ironic venom onto him. Yes. This is the whole point. Hikari wants him. He wants Hikari. This is the way things are. This is a certainty, anchored in everyday. And he will make sure he won’t forget it. But he is cut off. But I still know it can’t last. This is fun, but it’s temporary. At some point we will have to go back to how we were before the sex. The face freezes. Can you please be reasonable about this? The arm trembles, loses a bit of strength in the hold it imposes on the other. I’m your friend, not your enemy. Right now you’re just a dickhead, is spat without even thinking about it. The disbelief prevents the rage from spreading, for a heartbeat. Fun? This is fun to you? This is not to him. When he wants something fun, he grabs someone, charms his way into their pants and is done with them in the blink of an eye. And this sparks the anger again. This has the pin slide, the two hands grabbing the shirt of the Peacekeeper, to slam him once against the wall. You think it’s a fucking checklist? That would can just take options out whenever you want? His face comes closer. That we added sex as a little fun bonus to our talks? This is not funny. Even his usual smile has disappeared, his lips forming a hard straight line. The one that speaks of the hurt below to whoever knows him enough to see it there. Wake up, Hikari. This is what we are now to each other. And if there is no precise definition of it for they never put words, for even now there is no possibility for him to step back and analyse his feelings and the situation, that much is known. This is us. And you know it. And you can’t do without us. Otherwise it would have been done a long time ago. Otherwise he would have never gone there in the first place. Minjun knows it. And deep down he knows he is not the only one to feel this way.

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Jeon Minjun

Fun? This is fun to you?Est-ce censé être autre chose ? Pour Hikari, cela est même essentiel. C’est pour cela qu’il aime le voir, qu’il aime se perdre dans leur petite bulle. Cela le fait se sentir bien, plus léger, plus heureux. Alors oui, pour lui cela est fun. Il ne voit pas d’autre façon de le décrire. Son visage se durcit alors que Minjun l’empoigne de nouveau, ses yeux se plissant d’une menace informulée que l’autre ignore royalement. You think it’s a fucking checklist? That would can just take options out whenever you want? That we added sex as a little fun bonus to our talks? Il ne sait même pas quoi répondre à cela. Qu’est-il censé répondre, de toute manière ? Tout ce qu’il dit semble rendre Minjun un peu plus furieux. Surtout, ce que son ami dit commence à faire monter la colère en lui. Car tout ce qu’il lit, tout ce qu’il entend dans ses mots, c’est que leur relation se réduit juste à ça. Et l’idée lui retourne l’estomac. Ils sont tellement plus que cela. Wake up, Hikari. This is what we are now to each other. This is us. And you know it. And you can’t do without us. C’est trop. Ses mains se referment sur ses poignets, et il dégage violemment sa poigne de son t-shirt. Stop pushing me around, I’m not one of your newbies. Hikari était quelqu’un de patient, mais il avait ses limites également. Il était en train de les atteindre. Are you listening to yourself? Do you realize what you’re saying? Il a de la colère dans les yeux lui aussi, maintenant. You’re reducing us to sex. We’ve known each other for decades, been friends for just as long, and you reduce us to this? Il fait un geste pour désigner l’endroit, eux, tout. So what, if I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, then our whole relationship is over? You’ll throw our friendship out of the window? Is that how you value us? Value me? L’idée lui serre le coeur, comme si juste le dire pouvait le briser en un instant. We’re best friends, not fuck buddies. Pourquoi tout cela était-il si compliqué ?

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Hikari Campbell

The motion is not blocked, for this would turn immediately into a full on fight. And if right now, he is this close to really want to punch his best friend, Minjun knows better than to shed blood. Stop pushing me around, I’m not one of your newbies. You don’t say. Unable to shut up. If he stops, he will lose it completely. Are you listening to yourself? Do you realize what you’re saying? His arms cross on his bare chest and his chin goes up, defying him. Yes, he does. You’re reducing us to sex. We’ve known each other for decades, been friends for just as long, and you reduce us to this? The scoff is loud, as he shakes his head in disbelief. What. Even. So what, if I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, then our whole relationship is over? You’ll throw our friendship out of the window? Is that how you value us? Value me? Fuck you, is expectorated in a dumbfounded laugh. We’re best friends, not fuck buddies. We are best friends who have sex with each other. This is the reality, this is what Hikari seems to adamant about fogrtting. You’re the one acting like we are fuck buddies. Like you can just not see me because you have better things to do. His eyes are two incandescent windows. You’re twisting everything. And this is really, really getting under his skin. And not like he usually likes it. And there is a need to move, before he hurts him, because that would seem to be the only way to get a true reaction out of him. His back is turned to him as he gets his pants on, grabbing his shirt without putting it on. Looking back at him. So come again. Explain to me how exactly you value what we have, acting like a prick, just dropping casually when we just fucked that our plans are off because you said so. Because you want to fall in love or some shit and that in this moment you won’t need my dick anymore, but also that we won’t see each other anytime because you will have your sweetheart to entertain you. He disappears in a second, putting his top on, before resurfacing. He tries. He really tries to keep it together. To chuckle, to smirk. Because if this flutters, just for one second… the doors to his personal hell would open. And he is not certain of what he may do.

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Jeon Minjun

You’re twisting everything. Il n’arrive pas à le croire. I can’t believe you. C’est presque un murmure, tant perdu sur tout ce qu’il entend, sur toute cette situation entre eux. Il a l’impression de faire face à une girouette, et d’en être une aussi. L’énervement et la frustration se mélangent au besoin de s’assurer qu’ils seront capables de dépasser cela et qu’ils ne partiront pas fâchés. Hikari déteste se disputer, et il a encore moins envie que cela soit avec Minjun. S’il voulait juste écouter… comprendre comme il fallait… cela serait bien plus simple. So come again. Explain to me how exactly you value what we have, acting like a prick, just dropping casually when we just fucked that our plans are off because you said so. Because you want to fall in love or some shit and that in this moment you won’t need my dick anymore, but also that we won’t see each other anytime because you will have your sweetheart to entertain you. Soudain, il semble comprendre. Minjun a peur qu’il ne veuille plus le voir, ne plus le voir du tout. Ce qui, franchement, était ridicule, comment pouvait-il seulement s’imaginer cela ? Ce qu’il lui a dit sous le coup de la colère lui revient, et tout ce qu’il sait de son ami lui revient également. Ses épaules s’affaissent. Minnie, of course I want to keep seeing you. I always want to see you. I… Il pousse un soupir. Sa main vient frotter ses yeux un instant. I’d see you everyday if we could. This is not what we are discussing. Enfin, ce n’était surtout pas ce que Hikari avait voulu lui faire comprendre, mais ils n’étaient visiblement pas capable d’avoir une conversation raisonnable à ce sujet. Il espérait vraiment qu ces mots-là ne seraient pas mal pris, car il ne savait plus comment s’y prendre. It’s not because I cancel once that I’ll do it every time, ok? I know I said, il grimace, sa main glissant dans ses cheveux, You angered me so I said some stuff I didn’t mean. I’ll always make time for you, I thought you knew that. Il s’approche suffisamment pour effleurer son bras. Minnie, please. Don’t be angry with me. Ce n’était pas eux, ça.

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Hikari Campbell

Deep down there is this certainty, that it is already too late. For Minjun is fire and ice, fire or ice, but cannot be calmed down. For the words have been said, for the reality has been shaken. For Hikari is clearly pushing him away, belittling what they have, spitting on it and playing dumb at the same time. And his anger has no limit, for it has never been dealt with, for it burns to keep him alive.  Minnie, of course I want to keep seeing you. I always want to see you. I… The nickname rubs him the wrong way. I’d see you everyday if we could. This is not what we are discussing. The chuckle rips off his throat. The tongue clicks and the teeth rip as the tone is at his most acid level : Oh. What a complete idiot I am to not understand what the discussion we are having is about. The soldier is smart. And will never be told otherwise. And sees exactly what is happening. And hates it. And hates him, in that moment. It’s not because I cancel once that I’ll do it every time, ok? I know I said, you angered me so I said some stuff I didn’t mean. I’ll always make time for you, I thought you knew that. No. The eyes are two slits burning like pyres. And yet Hikari doesn’t recoil. And yet he dares extending a hand. Minnie, please. Don’t be angry with me. His hand comes for the wrist and seizes it, brutally. Don’t. Touch. Me. And then the other man is shoved back. How dare he. How dare him talk to him this way, trying to lull him into doing exactly what he wanted? Minjun wrote the playbook on how to be a manipulative bastard. I will make it very simple for you. His voice is low and slow, which is always a sign of danger when it comes to him. Friday, you are with me. The words don’t make sense. He doesn’t even want it anymore. Yet he will not falter. They could be fighting on Friday instead of the more delicious activities they usually engage in together. But he would be with him. You are with me every single day that we plan. Because they said so. Because this is the way it works. Because this is who they are. Or I walk out of here and let you figure out how well you can survive without me, without us. The snarl is violent, as he clearly looks down on him : And we both know you’d be begging for me in less than two days. Because this is generally what happens. Because they have to see each other often. Because, whether Hikari want to acknowledge it or not, he needs him. They need each other.

TW

Lose myself

With all of the faces, you were the one next to me
april 2033, one hour before curfew
@Jeon Minjun

Don’t. Touch. Me. Minjun le repousse mais Hikari est déjà en train de faire un pas en arrière, marqué par l’expression sur son visage, ce qu’il voit dans ses yeux. Ses bras retombent à ses côtés. Ça ne sert à rien. Tout ça ne sert profondément à rien. Il ne veut pas écouter. I will make it very simple for you. Friday, you are with me. Non. Non, bon sang, était-ce si difficile à saisir ? A accepter ? Si la colère dans le coeur d’Hikari s’était calmée, elle semble vouloir revenir au grand galop. Il déteste ça, comment Minjun refuse d’écouter, refuse de même considérer de changer de position. C’est la première fois qu’Hikari se retrouve face à son entêtement, et il est loin d’apprécier cela. Son visage se referme. You are with me every single day that we plan. Mais il ne le sera pas. Il le sait déjà. Il sait déjà ce que Minjun va dire avant même que les mots sortent, car il a déjà été très clair à ce sujet auparavant. Peu importe que Hikari ne soit pas d’accord, ou ne le veuille pas. Or I walk out of here and let you figure out how well you can survive without me, without us. And we both know you’d be begging for me in less than two days. Ca ne sert à rien de se battre s’il est comme ça. Hikari sait qu’il ne lui fera pas entendre raison. Il le regarde un instant, la déception dans ses prunelles, avant de secouer la tête. Then I guess that in two days, you’ll be as disappointed as me today. Lui tournant le dos, il récupère sa veste près de la porte, l’enfilant rapidement. Il a le coeur lourd de partir alors que leur relation est dans cet état, mais il a honnêtement toutes les peines du monde à voir comment faire autrement. Good night Minjun. Don’t miss curfew.